Under the new Everson government, public funding of hugs will increase by over 250% from its current level of $SFA. All public employees will administer this service and will receive an on-call loading and a can of deodorant for being ready to hug anyone who is having a bad day, or who just needs a bit of love.
Stock markets plummeted at the news as investors anticipate that the hole in our souls will be filled by something other than confectionery and gadgets. Market analysts have predicted that many consumers will call their mothers and apologize for being an arse at Christmas and promise to phone more often.
Prime Minister Michael Everson spoke at the national press gallery today:
“The Government is committed to making the program carbon neutral. Posterior sensors will be distributed and for each Potently Odorous Olfactory Terrorist or POOT emitted during a hug, a tree will be planted.”
Many of the assembled crowd were nodding their heads, but not everyone. Father of four and prominent hug retailer Shark Daddy was concerned that flooding the market with publicly subsidized hugs would push an already struggling hug sector into collapse. Prime Minister Everson addressed such concerns asking:
“What is more important, that everyone have access to such an essential service, or that a few can get rich off it? Anyone affected by the change will not find themselves lacking in hugs.”
The program is expected to be rolled out before June 7 2014.
(Aside: How many fully funded hugs would you have received under an Abbot or Rudd government? Thanks for voting for Everson. And thanks to Alex Lehmann for the seed of this article.)